Sexually Oriented Jokes
Go to the NEW jokes as of : January 11th, 2000
A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male
and female monkeys.
She explains they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house.
"Would youlike to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist.
"Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine."
What is the diference between your job and your wife?
- After 5 years - the job still sucks!
A guy went to Las Vegas, and won big, really big, in one of the
casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free
things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to
keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After
winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided
to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite.
The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and
stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel
and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the
city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V.
The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out
the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed
someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told
the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the
city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened
it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair,
short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy
went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and
drank one himself.
"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?"
The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00"
"What, that's outrageous!" he said.
"Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see
that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last
two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money
I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. "
"All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend
replied. A half hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the
couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and made two
more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself.
"That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?"
She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000."
"What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed.
"Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the
windows, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner,"
pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the
money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good."
"Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her
$5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch,
head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool
coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to
stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to
the hooker, and drank one himself.
"My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta
know, how much for some pussy?"
The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I
would OWN this whole city!"
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a
twinkie,and anxiously awaiting her first haircut. When her turn comes, she
brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon,
she pulls the twinkie out for a bite.
"You're getting hair on your twinkie," the barber playfully warns.
"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."
A young priest is walking through town running some errands when he
passes a hooker.
She says to him, "Father, I'll give you a blow job for twenty bucks."
Nervously, the young priest hurries away back to the church and finds
the mother superior. He asks her "What's a blow job?"
The nun replies, "Twenty bucks. Same as in town."
Two boys are bragging about their parents.
"My dad can put an entire egg in his moth without it breaking", says one.
"Hah, that's nothing", says the other, "my mom can have an entire chandelier in her mouth".
The first boy replies, "I don't believe that".
"Well", says the second boy, "Last night I over heard my mom talking to my dad in the bedroom,
She said "Turn out the light in the chandelier, and I'll take it in my mouth"!!!".
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to
a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by
his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of
the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to
a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot
in our village. Anyone can see what's been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken.
What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an
albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep,
and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on
occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you
don't say anything about the black sheep, I won't say anything
about the white baby."
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that
were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves
of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young
man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course
you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men
always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
Two women were chatting and one asked the other,
"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"
Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would I want to make a phone call at a time like that?"
An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart
with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke ?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex
life ".
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING ???"
The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the
resort hotel. The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin'
great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed
and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half
hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waitress had to ask her to
repeat the order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room.
This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer,
your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"
"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years!
And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all
disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit.
The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went
up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000. Again the old
man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie
the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:
"No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents
room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy
making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach
because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
"Why?", asks the mother
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him
back up"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until
the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his
privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised -and flattered- the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you
would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your
wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another
and... soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks
over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the
middle has a white cock.
He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and
mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I
swear the one in the middle had a white cock !!
The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?"
"Yes", the man says, "They're the ones."
"Well," replies the bartender, "Those guys aren't black. They're coalminers. The one in the
middle must have gone home for lunch."
An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia, when he struck up
a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their
own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here !
Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the
damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the
second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in
this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.
"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he is passing a pumpkin patch,
his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a
nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin.
After a while he is really into it and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks
over and says, "Excuse me, sir; but, do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight
already?"
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would
do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a
slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said.
"Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive
lady who, this time, was quite attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered.
As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting
better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot.
"Fuck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.
When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies
buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the
roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no
one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a
towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides,
I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do,
time and time again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the
shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom
door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all
of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly,
"What's THAT?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute
and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the
husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while
being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashes. To his
surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his
wife what's up.
"Well," she replied, "Not everyone is as cheap as you are."
A young boy asks his father what the difference between potential and reality are,
The father tells him to go ask his mom if she'd fuck the milkman for a million $.
She says yes, than he is told to ask his sister, she says yes also, than he asks
his brother and he says yes.
The father says we have the potential to make $3 million, but in reality we live
with 2 sluts and a faggot.
Two condoms go out for a night on the town. They are walking down the high street & they walk
past a gay bar. One condom turns to the other & says, "Lets go in there & get shitfaced!"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the
shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gyneacologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,
rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?
At the convent all the nuns were painting. It was a hot day so one of them said:
"Why don't we just take off our shirts and bras." The other nuns agreed so they did.
About 15 min later someone knocked on the door and said "It's the blind man. May
I come in?"
The nuns talked shortly and agreed that he was blind so he wouldn't be able to see them.
So they let him in and and he came up to one of the nuns and said "Nice tits. Now where do you
want these blinds."
A man walked in to a bar and said "Bartender, A shot of vodka" The bartender
gives the man his vodka & he asks for another one. The bartender does so. He has
17 shots of vodka. The next day the same man enters the bar & says: "Bartender, I
want a Coke." "WHAT?" says the bartender, You had 17 shots of Vodka last night and
now you want a Coke?" "Well," the man says, "When i got home last night, I blew
chunks." The bartender asks "You were that sick?" The man aswers "no, Chunks is my dog."
On a business trip to Japan Frank is invited by Mr. Takamoto invites to play golf
the next day. That night he visits a prostitute. While he's putting all his effort
in her, she keeps screaming "NoyiNa NoyiNa !!". Frank figures this to be some kind
of Japanese compliment and after he's done he pays and leaves. The next day his
opponent make a hole-in-one. Frank remembers the prostitute and says:
"NoyiNa Mr. Takamoto !". To which Mr. Takamoto replys: "What do you mean: Wrong Hole !"
The Blacksmith's 50th birthday was coming up, and he needed a whole pig to roast for the many guests
invited. So he sent his apprentice out to get a 160 pound pig at one of the nearby farms.
The apprentice arrived at a farm and asked the farmer if he had a 160 pound pig for sale. "Let me check",
the farmer said. And he jumped into the pens, bit a small pig in it's tail and said: "159 pounds".
Astounded the apprentice didn't believe this and voiced his doubts to the farmer... "Ok", said the farmer,
"We'll summon the feedmaster, and he'll tell You". So the feed master was summoned, and the farmer asked the
feedmaster the weight of the pig in question. The feedmaster promptly jumped into the pen and bit the pig in
it's tail, "159 pounds", he exclaimed. Astounded the appentice accepted the fact that farmers actually COULD
tell the weight this was, and told the farmer that he'd take the pig.
"Very Well", said the farmer, "You can settle with my wife in the house", as he pointed the lad in the right
direction.
Two minutes later the apprentice returned and asked the farmer: "Can I settle with You ? Your wife is weighing
the post".
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her long legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
As all at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
Yes, all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.
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Last Updated: Tuesday, January 11th, 2000