Racial Jokes

Go to the NEW jokes as of : Feburary 20th, 1999

Why are there swedes in Sweden and Camels in Sahara ?

- The Arabians got first choice.


How many swedes does it take to make a funeral ?

6 to carry the coffin and one to carry the corpse.


Troubleshooting in Australian Bars:

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand more beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then scream that you are being kidnapped

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.


An old jew is dying and is at his deathbed calling to his family.
"Sarah, my wife... Are You Here ?", he asks.
"I'm here my love", she replies.
"Judith, My daugther... Are You Here ?", he asks.
"I'm here father", she replies.
"David, my son... Are You Here ?", he asks.
"I'm here father", he replies.
Then old Jew asks: "Then who in the hell is minding the store ?"


An Irish man went to his first American baseball game. As the first batter made a hit, fans jumped up yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up as well yelling, "Run, laddie! Run laddie!"
The next batter got up and made his hit. The fans again cheered, "RUN! RUN!"
The Irish man jumped up yelling "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
The third batter got up got ball 1...ball 2...ball 3...ball 4.....The umpire yelled "Take your base!"
The batter jogged to the base.
The Irish man jumped up an yelled "Run laddie! Run laddie!"
Another fan looked at him and said, "He does not need to run, he has 4 balls!"
The Irish man's jaw dropped, and turned and said, "Walk with pride, lad! Walk with pride!"


One day a Swedish guy walks into a dingy little storefront travel agency, holds up a page out of a newspaper, and says: "You say in this add that you have a wonderfull luxury cruise for only $69.95. I want to go on this wonderfull luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash??"
"I sure do", says the Swede, plunking the money down on the counter.
At that point, two big thugs leap out of a closet, whack the Swede over the head, drag his unconscious body out the back door, stuff him in a barrel and drop the barrel into a river that flows past.
A few moments later, a Norwegian guy walks into the same dingy storefront travel agency, holds up the newspaper ad and says: "I want to go on this $69.96 wonderfull luxury cruise."
The guy behind the counter says "Sure. Do you have the $69.95 in cash??"
"You betcha", says the Norweigian, plunking the money down on the counter.
Again, the two big thugs leap out, pound him on the head, drag his limp form out the back door, shove him in a barrel and drop it in the river.
After a while, the Swede and the Norwegian regain consciousness, and they find out that their barrels are bobbing along together.
The Norwegian says: "Good Afternoon. Tell me, do you happen to know if they serve dinner on this cruise?"
The Swede shakes his head and says: "No, I don't think so. At least they didn't last year."


An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love."
The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay."
"Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said,
"Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British."


German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 45,000 years ago had cellular telephones.



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Last Updated: Saturday, Feburary 20th, 1999