Political Jokes

Go to the NEW jokes as of : Feburary 20th, 1999

A guy was lost in the mall at the Washington Monument. He stopped a cop and asked, "What side is the State Department on ?"
To which to cop answered, "Ours, I hope."


Chelsea asks Hillary, "Mom, what did You have at the state dinner ?"
"Some beef, asparagus, and 769 green peas."
"Don't bullshit me mom, when did You count the peas ?"
"When Your father was giving his speech."


How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet ?

- They were dating the same girl in highschool.


Bill Clinton is considering changing the democratic party emblem from a donkey to a condom, becuase it stands up to inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.


What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton ?

- His face.


Clinton is out jogging in a seedy area of Washington DC. He notices a good-looking prostitute. She calls out "$50". Bill is tempted, but the price is a bit to high, so he calls back, "five". The prositute turns away in disgust. A few days later Clinton jogs through the same seedy area of town, and as luck would have it the prostitute is still there. "$50", she calls out again. "Five", Bill answers again. No sale.
A week later, Hillary has decided to get into shape, and jogs along with her husband. They jog through the same seedy area of town, and again Bill notices the prostitute. When the prostitute notices Bill and Hillary together she calls out,
"See what You get for $5 !"


It is understood that the Republicans are considering changing their emblem from an elephant to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, encourages cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.


Immediately following dismissal of the Jones v. Clinton case, drivers leaving Arkansas on all major highways could see newly erected signs:

"Leaving Arkansas Please ZIP UP!"


Sadam Husain calls Bill clinton and tells him: "Bill, i called because i had a dream."
Clinton: "what was the dream about, Sadam?"
Sadam: "i dreamt that USA was rebuilt and on the top of each house there was a flag."
Clinton: "and what was written on the flag?"
Sadam: "Allah is big, Allah is great!!!"
Clinton: "you know what Sadam, it's good that you called because i had a dream too. In my dream Bagdad was rebuilt and on the top of each building there was a flag too."
Sadam: "what was written on the flags?"
Clinton: "i don't know, i cant read hebrew!!!!"


President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual.
Clinton: "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full."
Marine: "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs Sir!"
Clinton: "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"
Marine: "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"
President: "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea."
Marine: "Yes Sir! Good trade Sir!"


There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.

It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.


What do Monica Lewinsky and Soda Pop machines have in common?

They both have slots which say "Insert 'Bill' here."


One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White house and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, so I'm afraid you can't marry him."
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."
Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go her Mother and tell her. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."


They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence.

It turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.


It seems the biggest new game to play in Washington DC is swallow the leader.


Most people afraid of getting AIDS from sex. Clinton is afraid of getting sex from Aides.


Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.


Q: What's the headline on the Washington Post read?

A: Bush finally defeats Clinton.


AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.


This Monica Lewinski/Bill Clinton fiasco is really a misunderstanding. Monica is a bit hard of hearing, and the Whitehouse intercom is a bit crackly. What Mr Clinton really said was:

"Monica, hold my calls and sack my cook".


Q: What is green, has four legs and smells like pussy?

A: The White House pool table.


A guy walks into a local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her room and start to discuss prices. She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for sex, and $250 for a Monica".

"What's a Monica?", he asks.

"That's where I blow you now and screw you later", she answers.


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Last Updated: Feburary 20th, 1990