Other Jokes

Go directly to the NEW jokes as of : January 11th, 2000

Have You heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants ?

- None of the offspring survived.


A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. This particular procedure involved splicing part of a baby elephants trunk to the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his girlfriend to a very fancy restaurant, after cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants and felt around the table, grabbed a roll, and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
Startled, the girlfriend exclaimed, "What was that ?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another roll and just as quickly disappeared.
The girlfriend was silent for a short moment, then said, "I don't believe I saw what I just saw. Can You do that again ?"
With a forced smile, the man replied, "Honey, I would love to, but I just don't think my ass can take another roll."


A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says, "I've been working on a top-secret project on molecular genetics for the last five years and I've just got to talk to someone about it."
The bartender says, "Okay, but before we talk, about that, just answer me a few questions. When a deer defecates, why does it come out in little pellets?"
The guy doesn't know.
The bartender then asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands on the ground and looks like a coiled rope ?"
The guy has no idea.
So the bartender says, "You don't know shit, and You want to discuss molecular genetics ?"


Smitty is interviewing for a new bartender. He asks one guy applying for the job, how he became interested in tending bar.
"Actually", says the guy, "I learned to appreaciate the value of mixing drinks when I was a forrest ranger. Before I went of into the forrest on my first assignment, my fellow rangers gave me a farewell party, and as a goft they gave me a martini-making kit, a bottle of gin, vermouth, a mixer, a stirrer and a glas of olives. I was confused. Why would I need a martini set in the woods ?
An older ranger then came up to me and explained. You'll find this to be Your most important equipment. You may be out in the wilderness for weeks, maybe months, all alone. then You'll remenber Your martini set, You'll sit down, begin to make Yourself a martini, and within 30 seconds, someone will be standing next to You saying,
'That's not the way to make a martini......'"


One morning Daddy Bear came down to breakfast, to find his porridge bowl empty.
"Someone's been eating my porridge", said Daddy Bear.
"Someone's been eating my porridge", said Baby Bear.
At that moment, Mummy Bear came out of the kitchen and said, "You stupid bastards, I haven't made the porridge yet."


On his first date with a beatiful woman, a guy decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District. Upon tasting the wine, the young man berated the steward. "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North coast vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered." The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again the young man was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 alright, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can You tell me what's in this glass ?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, the Young man sipped at the drunks glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss", he exclaimed and spat the mouthfull out.
"That's exactly right", said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."


After a long day on the course, the annoyed golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the worst caddy in the world!"
"No, I don't think so", said the caddy, "that would be too much of a coincidence."


"Computer genius and billionaire Bill Gates' wife is pregnant. Gates explained, 'Don't let the name Microsoft fool you.'"


Two bricklayers were building a house early in the spring. One complained to the other:
"it's cold this time of year"
To which the other replied:
"Well, let's go over to the corner... It's about 90 degrees"


In scotland there's a Brit, a scotsman and a jew having dinner together.
When the waiter brings the bill, the scotsman, toeveryones surprise says: "I'll get the bill".

Next day the headline in the local newspaper is: "Jewish ventriliquist found strangled.


Eric, Paul and Steve were adventuring in the south American Jungles, when they were caught by cannibals. They were taken to the village's Chief who was a fair man. He told them they could perform a task or have their heads cut off. Ofcourse they chose to perform the task.
"first", said the chief, "You have to go into the jungle and find ten pieces of a fruit of Your choice."
The three of them wandered off into the jungle to find the fruit.
After a while Eric came back to the village carrying ten bananas.
"now", the chief said, "You can go free if You can stick the ten bananas up Your arse without showing any pleasure or pain".
Well, Eric gave it a try, but after three bananas, he was struck with pain and had to scream. He was immidiately beheaded and his soul went to heaven.
After a while Paul came back to the village carrying ten strawberries. He was told the same thing as Eric, and started to put up the strawberries. After the ninth strawberry, he started laughing uncontrollably, and was immidiately beheaded, and his soul went to heaven.
Having seen this from heaven Eric asks Paul: "What happened ? Surely You could fit the tenth strawberry ?"
"Well", said Paul, "As I was just about to stick the last strawberry up, I saw Steve come out of the jungle, carrying ten PINEAPPLES".


A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup.
He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"


One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?!"
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.


A hurricane came up unexpectedly, the cruise ship went down and was lost.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Since he was used to 5-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do, so for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescueship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did".
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out ofmaterials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern and bow came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible, " stuttered the man, "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the other side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looked to the shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, and would you like a drink?"
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still so how about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it's end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?" When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines - strategically positioned - and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me, she began suggestively, slithering close to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There is something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know.........." She stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"You mean ---?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"


A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"


Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake,and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around,and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."


Three bulls heard through the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine!"
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS!"
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to 'take care of'. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY COWS."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulled up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and see him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Shit, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL!"


To be or not to be
- Shakespeare

To do is to be
- Imanuel Kant

To be is to do
- Jean-Paul Sartre

Do bi do bi do
- Frank Sinatra


Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, who was waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"


A man is driving home late one afternoon, and he is driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror.
He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the hell," and gives up.
He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go!"
The man thinks for a moment and says...
"Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back."


In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert."


A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host,
'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, The first gardener yelled,
'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'


An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
All at once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and, as the man hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!," the man pleaded.
"Thirty seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks.
"You're not eating properly," replies the doctor.


Heard in Jerusalem:
"I don't care WHO Your father is... Just don't walk on the water where I'M fishing !!!".


Did You ever hear about the guy who died from drinking milk ?

- The cow sat on him.


A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest. "


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
"But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...it's just terrible. Words like DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK"


A young man took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.


A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer, "come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes.
"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith eerth, nith eerth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this strange behavior because the dwarf is quite heavy.
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!"
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside.
He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says. "I think I better wephrase that... I'd like to thee her gallop!"


A man was being interviewed for a job.
"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our nuts trying to decide what to do first."


A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. " Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand,. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight! She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled even worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Wednesday, the ladies' Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off"
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."


It seems that a young man volunterred for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"


A man walks into a bar sits down next to a beautiful woamn, and orders a beer. As he's drinking he's beer he looks at the woman with some intrest. Noting this the woman turns to him and tells him she's a hooker and she will do absolutely ANYTHING for for him only $200 if only he can say it with three words or less.
The man ponders for a short moment, then says: "Paint my house".


Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. "We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
"It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.
"Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper."


Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."


Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi are in a chinese restaurant eating a meal.
Half an hour later Obi has finished, and places his chop sticks on the table.
Luke is in a real mess as he can't use his sticks, and he has rice all down his shirt, noodles in his hair and beanshoots round his mouth.
Obi looks Luke in the eyes and says in a booming voice: "Use the forks Luke, use the forks."


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Last Updated: January 11th, 2000