Why Cucumbers are better than men
The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
A cucumber won't tell you size doesn't count.
Cucumbers don't get too excited.
A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
A cucumber doesn't have a mother.
A cucumber doesn't have an ex-wife.
Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...and you know how firm it is before you take one home.
A cucumber doesn't get involved in child custody cases.
Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
With a cucumber, you can get a single room...and you won't have to check in as "Mrs. Cucumber."
A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
You can go to a movie with a cucumber and see the movie.
At a drive-in, you can stay in the front seat.
A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn...or send you out for Milk Duds.
A cucumber won't drag you to a John Wayne film festival.
A cucumber won't ask, "Am I the first?"
Cucumbers don't care if you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin anymore.
With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin, more than once.
Cucumbers won't write your name and number on the men's room wall.
Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
Cucumbers aren't into rope and leather, talking dirty or swinging with fruits and nuts.
You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
You eat cucumber when you feel like it.
Cucumbers never need a round of applause.
Cucumbers won't ask: "Am I the best?" "How was it?" Did you come?" "How many times?"
Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser.
A cucumber won't want to join your support group.
Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.
Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover...or speculate about your next one.
A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
Cucumbers can handle rejection.
A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
A cucumber won't give it up for Lent.
With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
Cucumbers can't count to ten.
Cucumbers don't tell you they like you better with long hair.
A cucumber will never leave you for:...another woman...another man...another cucumber.
A cucumber will never call and say "I have to work late honey," and then come home smelling like another woman.
A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt or gives you a snuggy.
You always know where your cucumber has been.
A cucumber never has to call "the wife."
Cucumbers don't have a mid-life crisis.
A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
You won't find out later that your cucumber...is married...is on penicillin...likes you, but loves your brother.
A cucumber doesn't have softball practice on the day you move.
Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R & R.
A cucumber won't ask for a transfer just when you're up for a promotion.
Cucumbers can stay up all night...and you won't have to sleep on the wet spot.
Afterwards, a cucumber won't...want to shake hands and be friends...say, "I'll call you a cab"...tell you
he's not the marrying kind...call his mother, ex-wife or therapist...take you to confession.
Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
A cucumber won't make you go to the drugstore.
Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.
A cucumber won't work your crossword puzzle with ink.
A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
With a cucumber, you don't have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season.
Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hair spray.
Cucumbers won't leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub.
Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're taking a shower.
A cucumber won't tell you he's outgrown you intellectually.
Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
Cucumbers don't say, "Let's keep trying until we have a boy."
A cucumber won't insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish or Orthodox Vegetarian.
It's easy to drop a cucumber.
A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.
Back to the other jokes
Last Updated: Friday, June 26, 1998